Other than a post here and there such as my Wordless Wednesday posts and the random giveaways, I’ve not blogged so much this past year. Between my stepson being so sick, then I got sick, my Aunt that was like a second mother to me dying, then my stepson’s death over two months ago, I guess everyone can understand. There were days when I literally physically could not write a thing and other days I just didn’t feel like it. This has been the hardest year and half of my family’s life.
Nothing will ever be like it was.
But that doesn’t mean we don’t have good moments.
I still have bouts of depression and I’m sure I will for a while. My husband is also battling depression, on a much deeper level than I am. Not a moment goes by where he doesn’t think of his son. Even the smallest thing triggers memories. One minute he’s laughing or cutting up, and then next he is in tears. It’s hard to move on after the death of a loved one, especially one so close as a son or stepson. We all try to be strong for each other, but really..what is strength? There is strength in grieving. Tears are a good thing.
Then you have the siblings. My youngest daughter, God love her heart, is struggling. I don’t think it’s fully hit her yet that she will never see her brother again; not in this life. I know her other siblings are hurting as well.
I know that with time, these really bad days will become fewer and fewer. I know that by the grace of God, those good moments will once again become good days. And when it does, that doesn’t mean we don’t love any less or care any less. It doesn’t mean that we won’t hurt and miss him. It just means we’ve gotten stronger and gotten used to him not being with us.
I’ve made up my mind to start writing more and posting blog entries. My writings may not follow a theme, it may not always be sunshine and roses, and it may not always be humorous. But it will be therapeutic.
This 4th of July is going to be kind of weird. But last years was very different as well. Usually we get together with friends and family for a cookout where afterwards, the men (our boys included) start blowing things up. Well, not really. But it sounds like it. Though there was that one year my hair almost caught on fire….
Last year we were in Jacksonville, Florida on the fourth. We were there to be with my stepson as he fought for his life during a stem cell transplant at the Mayo Clinic. After spending a couple hours with him, we took our youngest daughter (the only child that went to Florida with us) to Jacksonville Landing for the festivities. During that time, we looked for things to do with her when we were not with Tyler, so that she could have a little fun that summer (she turned 12 while we were there). I remember Tyler saying he wished he could be at one of our famous 4th of July cook outs rather than being in that hospital bed, staring at those four walls for weeks at a time. I keep having flashbacks to last summer and my heart aches.
This year, even though we are home, we won’t be having one of our famous cookouts. It’s just too soon. We will take Faith (my son is with his dad) to see fireworks somewhere. Maybe next year we will feel up to having one of our cookouts. But that will be different too without Tyler there. Nothing will ever be like it was.
Thank God for pictures and memories! Happy 4th of July.