July 23rd, 2012 | 
Author: “Mom, can I have a smartphone when I go to high school?”, my son recently asked me. Um…NO!
Seriously? WHY would a parent get their pre-teen or teenager a smartphone or their own laptop or anything else that they can freely access the internet on? Do they not know the dangers? Not only are there perverts trolling for kids on the internet, but I’m also talking about the other sites your child will more than likely check out (and possibly frequent frequently?). “Bad kids” are not the only ones that will go to the adult sites…even good, church going kids go to those sites…either because of peer pressure or just curiosity or whatever…and it can easily get out of hand.
I asked a few parents whom I knew allowed their kids smartphones and/or their own personal laptops if they had internet and parental control software installed on those devices. ALL of them answered no. WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me?!
Those that know me, know that I tightly control my kids cellphone, computer and internet use. They are not allowed to have smartphones and the internet is not accessible on the cell phones they do have (I also can control WHO they call/text and the time of days they have service…and it’s cut off every night at 9pm), they are not allowed to have their own laptops or computers in their room…if they want to get online, they can use the family computer located in the family room that has tight parental controls and blocks on it. We have a PS3…I have disabled the internet browser on it. I frequently check my 14 and 11 year olds Facebook, games and email accounts (no, they are NOT entitled to privacy if they are under age and living in my home…I will have all passwords to any and all internet accounts that they have at all times). I see some of their friends on Facebook…and the things they say and do would make you blush! Trash talking each other, bullying, foul mouths, questionable pictures, etc. These are middle and high school kids (and some of them younger)! Where are these kids parents?!?! Do they not care what their child is saying or doing or SHOWING on the internet?! I worry for those kids.
I think that alot of parents are putting too much trust in their kids. I think they put temptation in their kids life (unintentionally in most cases) by letting them have unrestricted access to the internet. I wonder how many parents would be shocked if they went, right this moment, and looked at their child’s cellphone internet history or computer history…and found that they have been on adult sites (that is…unless your child has figured out how to delete the internet history). If they read their texts, I wonder how many would find out that their child has been sexting? I’ve read a few stories about kids as young as 13 getting arrested because they had been sexting. I watched a news report recently about kids becoming addicted to pornography as young as 12 and 13 years old, which you can view HERE . Is it because the parents have been too trusting? They didn’t bother putting parental blocks on their computer, they didn’t bother to check up on their internet activity….maybe they just don’t think about stuff like that, maybe they are uneducated about the dangers of the internet? I don’t think they are bad parents (unless they just don’t care)…but kids are getting alot smarter than the parents when it comes to technology these days.
If you have a child and you are going to get a computer or smartphone in your home…anything with internet access…you need to educate yourself. For your child’s protection. And remember that just because your kid is a “good” kid…an honor roll kid….a Christian kid….doesn’t mean they will never do wrong….and that they will never lie. We, as parents, need to monitor them more closely.
Just my 2 cents.
One program I just LOVE is K9 Web Protection from Blue Coat, which is a free internet filter and parental control software. I’ve been using this computer software for several years. I have it on both my laptop and the family computers. I think all parents should have this program installed (no, this is not a paid review…I just love this program and want to share it with as many parents I can). They also now offer this same software as an app for “some” smartphones. I would love to hear other parents thoughts on this.
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You make some great points. My 13 year old does not have a smart phone either, and our computer is in the family room. He does not have a Facebook page and he will not be able to have one till he is at least 18. I think they are just too easy to get in trouble with. You are right, we do have to work more on being parents than being liked or being friends. It’s never been easy raising kids, but the technology today does make it that more harder and challenging. Thanks for some great tips!
You’re welcome! I do allow my kids a Facebook…I do not allow them on it all the time, and I do monitor it closely. I don’t blame you one bit for not allowing him to have a FB.
First I have to say I don’t think there are any “bad kids” all kids are good. There are choices made that aren’t the best or a lack of direction for which children may not have the opportunity to follow. My son has had his own laptop for 2 years. He bought it with his own money. I do have settings on our service that filter out certain things. But to be perfectly honest because I check my sons computer regularly (part of our agreement in him having his own) I did find some material that was slightly shocking. In the end I am glad because it opened up a dialog for us to talk about these things in a real way. Conversations we had before but lacked the context to truly hit home for him. Our conversation was more honest, more frank and I felt I had the opportunity to look at my son as a individual human and understand his curiosity. He turn was able to see me as a individual woman as opposed to just a mother setting limits and we had the best conversation. Our relationship is better for it. He is his own person and needs to be able to make his own choices, I feel he understands certain choices now and makes the choice not to look at certain things not because I am controlling his choices but because he understands the implications of them in a real way – not a this is bad and this is good way. So for me I guess I look at it differently.
Thank you for your honest feedback. I truly appreciate an opposing view point! I actually agree with you about the “bad kids” part…for the most part. I think all kids (all people) have the capacity to do bad things. The internet is something I can control and limit with my kids as long as they are home. I have caught some of our older kids (the boys) trying to access adult sites….and they knew when they were caught (we did speak with them). I’m not so naive to think they haven’t accessed them elsewhere…maybe at a friends home. But, I do what I can to limit their exposure to it. We also have all movies rater R and above blocked on our TVs, too.
I should have mentioned he is a teenage boy : )
My 10 year old has begged me to let her get on Facebook. Um, no freaking way. I am the only one with a smartphone and if they want to get on the computer, it is the same as you. In the center of the house, for 30 minutes, and I will watch everything you are doing! WAY too many creepers out there! Great post!
I don’t blame you! I keep telling my kids…do NOT add anyone you do not know….they could be creepers using a fake name, picture, etc. Sometimes they can be too trusting, and that scares me. So….I check on everything. The computers are locked down at night (need the password to log in), so there is no way they can sneak on it either. You can’t be too safe!
I think part of the problem is that most kids are more tech savvy than their parents. Many parents aren’t aware that parental controls exist, and they are at a loss as to how to install and use them.
Yup, I agree with you there. That’s why they need to educate themselves before they buy the smartphone or computer for them. We have a family member that recently bought her 12 year old his own laptop…and I was shocked…but she didn’t even know anything about parental controls or internet filters. I offered to install some on it since she already purchased it (couldn’t talk her out of it) and she jumped on that. At least that’s something.
Thanks April. You are right they can access them elsewhere, I think that makes me, personally, way more nervous. I definitely feel I am more “controlling” in that department and I don’t let my kids go to anyones house where I don’t know the parents pretty well and they know me enough to be able to talk to me about these things if they should arrise. I also believe in filters. Luckily because I had one my son only had seen some fairly benign photos (very much not realistic ones however) and I had recently just finished nursing my twins, so I felt it was actually so wonderful timing to be able to talk about having a realistic vision of women so he can go on to find his own sexuality, not societies – because societies sucks! And this whole topic was one I didn’t know how to approach in a very honest way (being a single mom all this fell in may lap). So my experience really felt like a blessing that forced me into the conversation I wanted to have but didn’t know where to start. My son is an especially great kid and accepts limitations and is open to dialog too – things might be very different with my twins. I am not sure they will have their own laptops, so I totally agree that kids are different and what might be okay for my son isn’t for others! Thanks for your response!
There is actually a friend that my son is not allowed to stay with anymore because I found out that the parents do not filter the computer, and the kids are allowed free access to the internet. I’ve known these parents for the better part of 10 years, so I was shocked when I found out (they were more strict that I was in certain ways). You just never know these days. I do have this conversation with the parents of the kids that my kids want to stay with now….live and learn, right?
Just like TV, Internet and cell phone usage should be treated the same. I don’t want my kids watching something inappropriate. They’re too young to even begin to understand what’s on TV or other social media networks.
Great post
I agree! Thank you =)
Luckily mine are still too young to know about “smartphones” yet. But I am certain by the time they are teenagers I’ll be facing an even more complicated and expensive request. To which I’ll of course say no!
You’re probably right! They are always coming out with something new and expensive.
I agree and disagree. I have teenage daughters, one who will be 16 next month, and one who will be 18 in November. I have never used any sort of filtering or electronic blocking whatsoever on their phones or computers. That being said, they are subject to “random checks”, when I just grab the computer or phone out of their hand at any given time and search it. I have found nothing so far. I think you need to be strict to a certain extent, and let them know that certain behaviors are not acceptable from Day 1.
That being said, I grew up in a house where everything was monitored and restricted. I did nothing but fight my parents tooth and nail. I lied about where I was, I lied about my friends. All I ever did was lie and sneak, because they wouldn’t allow me to do anything I wanted to do. It was horrible. I wasn’t a bad kid. I went to school, had an after school job at the grocery store, and hung out with friends at things like high school basketball games. That wasn’t good enough for my parents because they still gave me no privacy, and I felt I needed it. I was constantly grounded for months at a time. Finally, at 16, I ran away and lived in a car for 6 months. My parents gave me the opportunity to come back, (as a matter of fact they begged me), but I absolutely 100% refused to be under their strict monitoring and regulations. I felt like a prisoner at home, and in my car, I could be free. Freezing, but free to listen to the music I wanted to and be friends with who I wanted to and watch the television shows I wanted to (when I was with friends.) Once I was no longer in their home, I no longer got into trouble. 20 years later, I still resent them for treating me that way.
I allow my girls to do whatever they want. They have no curfews, no rules, nothing. I expect them to be responsible, respectable, and truthful. If they’re not, there are consequences. However, they have not lied to me once. They don’t have to. If they do something I don’t like, we talk about it and I explain why it’s not a good idea. And you know what? They’re honor students who go to bed by 9 every single night. At home. I may not like their choice in music or friends, but that’s their choice. Not mine. I think it’s wrong to make decisions for them because they don’t learn to be independent. (Until they’re living in a car).
I think rules and structure are good for kids. If my kids didn’t have rules, they would be uncontrollable. I had rules growing up…in fact, my parents were alot more strict than I am (the joys of being a preachers kid) and I respected them. That’s not to say I didn’t rebel some (again…PK). Kids will break the rules…and there are consequences when they do, as there are consequences when they follow the rules. I’m not nearly as strict as your parents…I do think there are some parents that go too far with rules, and it sounds like your parents were like that. I don’t have many rules, and the ones I do have, I expect them to be followed. I do control the internet because not only could THEY get in trouble for it…but if they do something really bad…like download something they shouldn’t…I could be liable for that, financially and legally if it’s bad enough. Thanks for responding…it’s great hearing a different view point.
I think it’s crazy to get a smart phone for a child. A regular cell phone with parent controls. Giving a child a smart phone smells disaster for grades and school.
Hi I’m Dmarie over at http://vintageboomer.blogspot.com/ and I am now following you on networked blogs. Hope you will follow me back.
Hey good luck on that phone thing. This is nothing…
http://vintageboomer.blogspot.com/
I just had a similar disussion last week with a friend. She also checks her daughter’s email account randomly. I think it makes sense – stops bullying and all the other risks. It’s a scary world out there. I personally don’t know what I will say to my kids when they get older – I am sure there will be some new crazy technology out there.
Leigh
http://www.oneandoneequalstwinfun.com
Of course, they’re always coming up with some newfangled gadget everyone just has to have.
A very interesting discussion….one that makes me so happy to have grown kids! There are so many things for parents to deal with these days that it just makes decision making all the harder. My kids were extremely lucky to live where they could spend most of their time outside (farm) and most of their time going to school or working…it was (and is) good for them and they have grown up to be nice young men…they just didn’t have time for lots of indoor activities…forever we had no computer until it became necessary for school work, then that was really all they had time to use it for…and it was filtered. That said, of course today they are all “well connected” will all sorts of techie equipment including smart phones etc…and what I can hope now is that the life they lived as kids taught them how to behave as adults…so far, they are still too busy to get into but so much trouble!
Came to you via the made in a day blog hop. stop by anytime for a visit…the farm is a busy place.
Oh, I miss those days…while we didn’t grow up on a farm, we did spend alot of time outside (didn’t need video games, cell phones or tv to entertain us!) and just hanging out with the family. I’m sure your kids are very responsible adults because of their upbringing =) I will definitely stop by!
Thanks so much for following my blog and commenting, I;m your newest follower.
While my opinion may not be justified here because I don’t have children yet, I think what you’re doing is commendable! I only wish that when I was a teenager I had such rules in place, I can say that now in hindsight, I’m sure I would have HATED it at the time, but now that I’m 28 and happily married I can see that had I had this type of structure in place it would have saved me from some not so great situations in my teenage years.
I want to share a story with you, that I think speaks volumes as to why parents should have guidelines set in social media and on cell phones.
When I was 15, (no cell phone, just a pager(oh i just aged myself lol), I had no rules. We had AOL and I would sit in random chat rooms talking to friends and STRANGERS for HOURS when I should have been studying and sleeping. One night I started talking to this older guy, he was 21, and I felt so cool that an older guy wanted to talk to little 15 year old me and we chatted for a few days and he asked if I wanted to go on a date with him, I didn’t even give it a second thought (I had no rules, I felt invincible), I immediately said yes. The plan was I would meet him a few blocks from my house and get picked up. ( I would lie to my parents, even without rules, I knew they wouldn’t say ok to this). That’s just what I did, I told them I was going to a friends house two blocks away (the world was a much different place then, so this wasn’t out of the norm in our close knit community) So at 3:30 on a Saturday I was off, I left my home and didn’t tell a soul where I was going. (I think back now and realize, what if something actually happened, there would be no one to shed light as to my whereabouts, no one knew my passwords to see these emails, pagers weren’t traceable like cell phones) I met this guy in an empty parking lot of an old deli (no witnesses) got right into his car, this man I had only spoke to on the internet and didn’t think twice about, we spent the next 45 minutes driving to a mall that I had never been to, in a city I wasn’t at 15 at all familiar with and had quite a few awkward silences, I mean really what do a 15 year old girl and 21 year old man have in common? We arrived at the movies, got tickets and food and took our seats. At that moment, I don’t know what happened, something inside of me said this isn’t right, something just is not right. I could only be thankful that at this point we were in a theater full of people and no longer alone. All i know is my gut told me, I couldn’t stay, I had to get out but I was scared, I was in all senses of the word a “little” girl and I was terrified. I told him during the previews, I had to pee and would go to the rest room before the movie started. As soon as my feet hit the hallway and I was out of his sight, I ran and I mean RAN out of that theater, into the mall and all the way to the other side and sat and finally found a womens bathroom which I then sat in a stall in tears not knowing what I was going to do or how I was going to get home, I had $10 and I didn’t know if that was enough for a bus home or not, or where I would even find a bus. I sat in there for 2.5 hours, because I knew eventually he would get up and come look for me when I didn’t return and figured he would realize he was stood up and leave and I would be in my diluted 15 year old selfs eyes “safe”. A group of girls had come into the bathroom and were able to explain to me where I needed to go to catch the bus. I did just that, boarded the bus, and waited for it to pull away (they stayed around for 20 minutes), as I sat there I couldn’t stop thinking, what if it had gone worse, I knew at this point my parents wouldn’t be alarmed because I had a late curfew and it wasn’t even close to that time yet. Imagine all the things that could have gone wrong, even now 13 years later I shutter and get the chills when I think about that night. I knew I was justified in freaking out because as the bus began to fill and I sat staring out the window thinking about how truly STUPID I was, I saw him, 3HOURS LATER walking around the outside of the mall looking at the all the bus stops, if he had good intentions, why wouldn’t he have accepted the fact that he was stood up and have been well on his way… Why was he still there?? I ducked down in my seat as he passed my bus , and prayed to just leave and we did… I got home that night, still shaken but I didn’t want to alarm my parents so I went straight to my bedroom and started IM’ing my girlfriend to tell her how dumb I was, I was safe though and home so we laughed about it and decided oh he was probably just worried and I should have stayed, how cool would it have been to date an older guy … I was so dumb. When I woke up the next morning, I awoke to 68 nasty, crazy emails from this guy threatening to find me and all other kinds of things, I still didn’t tell my parents. It wasn’t until a full week later, when the email count was up to 300 that I finally broke down and told my parents, they immediately called the police and as it turned it out, this man was wanted for the rape and kidnapping, and murder of 3 girls. I could have been the 4th…that thought has stayed with me my entire life. He is behind bars for the rest of his life, and while I will never know what happens with him, I do know that anyone who tells you what you’re doing as a parent isn’t right or is too strict is 100% wrong. The part that boggles my mind is even after this, I still didn’t have rules, I was still allowed to keep the computer in my room, no one checked it, I could come and go as I pleased still. But thank god, for me, I Learned the lesson on my own. I gave myself my own rules. I put privacy settings on everything, I only talked to friends online, I never walked anywhere alone and I never did anything like that again, because I will never forget that I could have the the 4th….
I didn’t mean to write a novel, but I just wanted to say, if you ever doubt what you’re doing is right. Remember this story, because what you’re doing could save your kids life. They may “hate” you for it now, but one day, they’ll thank you <3
xo, Jersey Girl
hairsprayandhighheels.blogspot.com
Thank you! And thank God you were not hurt or worse. That’s a terrifying story and I hope more people read it here. I, too, remember having the aol and going to chat-rooms and talking to strangers. My parents had rules…just not concerning the computer…simply because they didn’t know the dangers of having the internet at the time (they soon learned….my dad educated himself when he got a $300 phone bill because I talked to a stranger in CA for hours at a time…turned out he was in his upper 20s and I was 16). What happened to you could have easily happened to me too if my parents didn’t have other rules (no way could I sneak out of that house!) I figure…my kids can go ahead and hate me now if they want (hate is a strong word..I know they don’t hate me)…I’m probably doing something right if they do. In a few years, they will appreciate me and the steps I took to make sure they were safe….just as I am thankful for my parents for all they did for my own good. Thanks for commenting and for telling your story!
I’m with you on this one – absolutely no! Thanks for linking up for Flash Blog Friday
I understand your need to keep your kids safe, but I think this is one of the most judgmental blog posts I’ve ever read. You aren’t just saying how you protect your kids, (which is your prerogative and I applaud you for), but you also are judging every parent who parents differently than you do. I’m sure that wasn’t your intention, but that is how it comes off to me.
In my opinion, you can’t be too careful in protecting your kids. I really don’t understand why parents would get their young kids smartphones (or the other items I listed). My point is to make parents aware of some of the dangers our kids face when they let them have these items as I’ve noticed that alot of parents are simply uneducated on the dangers of the internet. I would hope that parents will educate themselves and if they still chose to purchase these items for their kids…I hope they take some steps in protecting them by using parental control software and regularly monitoring their internet usage.
Great to hear the differing opinions here. My daughter will soon be 12 and wants a phone. If/when she gets it, it will not be a smartphone. However, she has an iPod touch and it already has all the features of a smartphone. I write about all these topics on my blog because I think parents want to do the right thing but either aren’t aware of the issues or don’t know how to take the right steps. Not all are tech savvy! I like the combination of open/frequent discussions, family media agreements, restrictions and controls based on age and experience, and random checks of devices – again, based on age and experience. But that’s just me, and everyone has their own parenting style.
Thanks for responding. My daughter will be getting a cellphone this year (she’s 11) because she is entering middle school that is some distance from home. It will not be a smartphone, and as I have done with my son’s…the internet will be inaccessible on it. I agree that frequent discussions with the kids, media agreements, restrictions and controls are the way to go. Have a great day!
My daughter will probably have a phone at an early age, just simply because I’m divorced and it will be her means to communicate with both me and her father. I know technology can be tempting for kids to abuse, but I’m open in talking about the dangers of things. Computers are different, we only have and need one in our house and I work from home, so that piece is primarily my income maker. I have her educational options on it though at this point. She doesn’t have free access to the internet, but it’s not as tight as yours seems to be either.
I have to add my input. At 17, I can’t say I’m the cats meow of computer experts, but if I wanted to, I could easily give myself administrator rights on any computer in the house. And the best part, they would never know I’ve done it. So parental blocks would be virtually useless. I would use a backdoor in the computers CMOS (it’s basically a circuit on the motherboard, no way to stop me from getting on there). I just want to make a point that while a respect a parent’s decision to block out the world, I have to say I disagree for one, enough determination can render that decision invalid. But more importantly, I belei e early exposure and understanding can be good